As a result of several phone conversations with my mother, she sent me an email the other morning that has made me reconsider much within the past year… she included this in her e-mail…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans for your welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope.”

At this time of year I am typically filled with hope and renewal, I feel alive and re-juvinated.  I am typically excited about my birthday (I turn 22 in 32 days).  But this year is different… so very different.

35 is the special number today.  35 more days until April 7, 2008.

 35 more days until I am officially finished undergraduate classes at McMaster University.

At the moment my body is wracked with gastroenteritis–basically an inflammation and irritation of the lining of the GI system–which causes vomiting, diarrhea, headache, fever, chills etc.  It can be viral, bacterial, or parasitic.  Infection control = hand washing is key.  Dehydration is the only really signifiant concern as it is typical to recover without any other medical interventions.  It has had me in bed or in the bathroom for the last week, and the other times I’ve been out and about for school and classes.

I started a new job… it’s a freelance promotional job so it involves auditioning and competition–It’s going to be a fun hobby for me to learn how the marketing/promotional industry works.   

I am also applying for jobs–much to late according to my teachers but what can I do–I am terrified of actually getting a job.  I am also looking to move to Toronto and work in a Hospital there.  It is also much closer to where the office is where I am working in Marketing/Promotions.  This time of life is just a little bit terrifying right now–so many things to finish and to start…  

Oopps… off to class!

I started my final rotation through pediatrics… they’re so tiny, and they smell like baby or formula, or poopy diapers, or spit-up. 

They cry and smile, they make little noises.  They are all so precious no matter how ugly they are.  I think I am going to like pediatrics much to my chagrin… ;) 

You make my heart stop the wave-like rhythms

No longer in sync with the pathways taken by the crimson rivers that make us blush.

Azure horizons of dream couple with emerald oceans of confusion that crash down upon my ears,

Melting sandy castles built of a kiss, moment, embrace, a glance.

You are my rain over-flowing this drouted ability and desire to write.

The thunder you roll through my odyssey rifts a heaven from the hell and gives me the breath to wait for the sun to rise…

To bask in the glory of His presence.

I do not consider myself a person who has the word

GRUDGE or BEGRUDGING

in my dictionary and vocabulary…  but my very good friend made it very clear last night that I also do not have the words

TO FORGIVE, BE FORGIVING

in my dictionary and vocabulary either… 

What to do… What to do…

Matthew 18.

After clinical on a Friday night… I went home and slept for a couple of hours, woke up and decided I needed to go to the bank.

I live on the South-West end of Downtown–the Party Zone.  One will never find me cruising down Hess Street on a Friday or Saturday night other than on my way down to Tim Hortons for an English Breakfast Tea, bag in, 2 cream, 2 sweetner.

Now on the south corner of King Street and Hughson Street stands a small TD Bank Kiosk, typically the “BOooom” “BOooom” of the “Much-too-happy-people-bar Embassy” can be heard through the walls right next door.

I drove to the bank at midnight, parked my car around the corner.  There were 3 people in the bank.  A well dressed man who looked like he was out and about and 2 boys with hoods pulled over their heads loitering about.  In retrospect, I should have turned around and just walked out.

However, since I live life at all hours of the day from working shift work, it felt like a typical noon hour for me.

To make a long story short… these 2 boys stopped me… grabbed me, pulled out a utility knife and said, “gimme your money, gimme your money…”  In my shock I told them to “f…. off…” and then I kicked one of them in the groin, wrestled my way to the door, backed out and called the police… I’d talk about it more but much to my surprise it’s getting a lil difficult to write and think about it…

Yes, believe it or not.  Lil “mini-me’s” terrify me.

I worked in the PACU (post-anesthesic care unit) which had a paediatric side… meaning lil wee ones coming straight from the OR.

They were screaming… crying… laughing… talking… sleeping… watching…

I found out yesterday my last placement is going to be Paediatrics, intermediate surgery & oncology.  Meaning, I will have lil wee ones that are very sick, who have had invasive procedures, and who have cancer.

Besides the fact that everything is completely different than adult & geriatric medicine/surgery, and that I have never had a patient under the age of 18, I am completely, utterly terrified.

In the PACU the Mum was told to rock the baby in the bed, my friend walked up to me and said, “rock the baby too…” I was like… oook… rock the baby?  I was completely outside of my comfort zone…

Despite the terror, I hope the comfort zone eventually encompasses paediatrics as well as adult & geriatrics… I am seeing that my nursing career is taking the direction of surgery.  I have orthopaedics, GI, Spinal cord, and now Paediatric surgery experience, along with 1 acute medical and a psychiatry… and I’m excited to see where this takes me…

…. 

19 months…

$120,000  + …

later…

 I can say with excitement…

 5 Months…

until Graduation…

a Bachelor of Science in Nursing Undergraduate Degree.

The Summer is past, the fall has come, the season has changed…

Classes started yesterday, so far my semester looks like clinical, problem based learning, and health economics & policy.   I am hoping to take clinical, problem based learning, nursing research, and poverty & homelessness in Hamilton.

Here are some pictures from my summer…

A ‘couple of us’ at Chris, Bree, & Vanessa’s g’bye dinner at Koi… unfortunately none of them left for school due to unforseen circumstances.

The 4 of us girls…

Melissa, Shana, Vanessa, Erin

Vanessa, Shana, & Melissa in Toronto

Shana, Jose, & Maria

Me with my Blue Roses on the 1st day of school

Me n’ my Mum at my Dad’s 60th Birthday Party

Chris in the extra big chair @ Ripley’s Believe it Or Not when we were in Niagara Falls for his Birthday in July

Up-close of my roses

haha.  this cat sits there at my feet and meows wanting to be picked up and played with.  He’s quite cute!

So, tonight I let this guy named Fred move into my apartment.  Fred is still quite young–he is 9 weeks old and I got him from the SPCA.  He’s a little black & white kitten that has a crazy personality.  He plays so hard and has so much character.  I have a mouse in my apartment and hopefully Fred will help me out with that problem.

I will post pictures of Fred sometime soon

For a while there this past fall I balloned up and ended up being 148 pounds… somehow I hid it from most people.

 Anyways, without dieting or exercising to the extreme… I am presently down to 130 pounds.  Much closer to my ideal. 

My secret? 

Eating healthier/fresh foods,

less/no fast-food,

no sweets,

smaller portions of food,

no snacking,

moderate exercise…

and working Day shifts as oppossed to night shifts

I stood in the presence of death this week.

It feels heavy. Hot. Suffocating. The air hung like a velvet curtain, patiently waiting for her to slip into the life held by eternity.

She was held in this physical world by her 4 young sons, a husband who poured his tears on the thin cotton sheets. Each sister came in denial. A grandchild not yet born was present.

Finally, when the wake left her room, her goodbyes were finished, she quietly allowed death to carry her beyond this world in which she lived for 52 years. several days before she withdrew her treatment. she was ready to go. those who loved her were not so peaceful with this inevitable appointment with Death.

This is all that is left of this physical body. post-mortem bruising started already. I tagged her feet. shut her jaw. wrapped her in a large, crinkley, white bag. zipped it shut. taped her certificate and ID to the outside of the bag. draped the bag with white sheets and sent it down to the morgue on a gurney.

I would like to think that everyone goes to heaven. It would be so nice in this career to know that the eternity of everyone is determined to be wonderful.

This is not so. I have no idea where they go. I cannot see within their heart. Leaving a heaviness within. Empty questioning. Death is confrontational in that it makes you consider what you value in life and where your hope and surety lies………….

… is the title of the book that I just picked up this morning. It is by Elisabeth Elliot.

Why this book (?) one might ask. Let me tell you. I can definitely say it is not because I have been single for over 2 years It is also not because I live by my lonesome self in a tiny apartment not-too-far-from-my-parents.

It is because I encounter so many individuals who are lonely–I generally encounter a geriatric population, and a population deeply affected by a combination of cognitive, mental, and physical challenges that trigger  others around them to alienate them for various reasons.

I started reading the 1st & 2nd chapter. An insight regarding loneliness that Elliot highlights is the fact that loneliness is the KNOWLEDGE of being alone. In the beginning, humans were not created to be alone, Adam was given a woman to be –Eve. The “human predicament” is a result of the fall of mankind into sin–now mankind has the knowledge of being alone, of not being in the perfect presence of God.

Communication–what a wonderful thing.   I was reminded this evening how important face-to-face communication is, and the significance of the quality of discussion.

I wrote a posting on Monday evening, and did not post it due to the fact it was rather reminiscent of times gone by.   The theme was how I miss the relationships I’ve had where the communication was deep.  I have been informed (thanks droogendyks :p) that there are 3 levels of conversation.  1. people & things.  2.  events & occurances.  3.  ideas.  The quality of the conversation increases with each level.

Take a short moment to reflect on what your conversations are like and what those are of the people you surround yourself with… When I first moved to this city I was taken in and surrounded by a small group of people–who may not be everyone’s favorite (but what do I care?! :P)–we mostly communed over ideas of religion, politics, music, literature, human nature, traveling etc.  I miss those times, and I miss those people–doesn’t mean I want to return to those times–I just miss them.

For some reason I have been very quiet and a bit with-drawn lately… and a touch depressed.

my aunt called me today.  funny thing was, I was thinking of calling her earlier today.

there was a shooting in hess 200 feet away from my place @ 2 am yesterday after mardi gras.

i called the police around the same time because 3 boys were vandalizing my car and then harassing me when I told them they were too young to be out and should go home to bed.

On a good note, I met up with a friend from high school on Saturday night after work.  He made me hickory steaks–we wolfed it down (literally) so we could make it for the last part of oceans 13*  I was somewhat disappointed by the movie by the way.  Then I drove home–I did not realize that Guelph is so close… I jump on one road and drive for 30 minutes and I’m at his house! 

(ps. hanna, get your license and we’ll go together!!)

I was walking through the downtown mall the other day and saw this couch… that looked really simple, and quite different.  Needless to say it was the price that determined if it would end up cramping my small bachelor.   I ended up getting it–mine is colored a warm caramel microfiber.  I did not realize that this couch was going for about $700 in Toronto… what a steal—ah I mean. a Deal!  I get it tomorrow–I am quite excited about it :) 

On a micro scale of current events, I officially have my own apartment.  !!  It has been a bit of a dream for me to have my own little place, with my own little kitchen… I have a bachelor that has been completely renovated within the last year–it is a good size for a bachelor here in the City. 

The kitchen & bathroom are completely separate from the main room and are quite large.  In the 2 rooms I have ceramic tiling, brand new HUGE windows! It is in a 15 unit building all of females–some 3rd/4th year McMaster Students.  My neighbor across the hall is an elderly gentleman and below him is a middle-aged gentleman with his young son.  I walk up 4 steps and I’m at my door.  The view from the windows are not great–the parking lot & huge apartment building 50 feet away–but I appreciate the large windows.  I have a ceiling fan, new carpet, new paint… hehe.  What more is there to tell?  You’ll have to come by for Turkish coffee or Russian Tea sometime.     

 I sold the red, Cavelier Z24 that I bought earlier this winter.  I now have the Sephia that my parents had for 7 years–and it is so much better than the cavelier!  I’ll miss the sportiness of the cavelier, but oh well.  I’d rather not pay the bills to fix it!!

Oh, my dad hurt himself… again.  This time it is not  his back–it is his arm and head–or something like that.  Apparently he was riding my bycicle (which isn’t a great bike) and fell (something he does occassionally on his own bike as he tears down a steep cliff with huge rocks littering his way) and injured himself somewhat significantly.  Hopefully the bump on his head isn’t too bad ;) 

 Well, those are the current events up till now!

I remember assignments in elementary homeschool where we had “Current Events” and reviewed some of the major head lines in the news at the time.  I faithfully watched the 11 o’clock news on the fuzzy CBC channel with my dad.  I remember when being really little my mum watching the news on the Gulph War and telling me to leave the room–sometimes I wish I was exposed to that event as I did not realize it happened in my lifetime till about 5 years ago.  I remember watching the Canadian dollar go up & down.  Dolly the sheep being cloned, the first successful heart transplant.  I also remember the climax of the Yugoslavian War in 1999 and watching the UN soldiers stand along the endless string of people desolately walking from their homes to the neutral zone on the eastern boarder of Macedonia.  I remember the White House scandal of Monika Lewinski & Bill Clinton and the court case that followed; every 2 years the Winter Olympics and the Summer Olympics.  Jean Cretian became Canada’s Prime Minister and was replaced by Stephen Harper…  and in 1988 the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that the legalization of abortion was appropriate under the Canadian Charter of Rights & Freedomes.  Not to mention the technological developments that have occurred and are evident from simply brushing your teeth to exploration of space and the extensive knowledge and threat of nuclear and biological warfare.  Ever stopped to think about all the events that have happened in your lifetime that knowledge of is perhaps not imminently significant to know–but helps us understand the present state and current events that affect our lives?